Your Official Tiering of Christmas Movies
(Only the Ones I’ve Seen; Don’t @ Me)
If you know me, you know that I love two things:
- Christmas movies!
- An opportunity to arbitrarily sort things by quality!
So here is my holiday gift to all of you. For my purposes, a “Christmas movie” is defined as “any motion picture of any length including as a significant element the celebration of a winter holiday.” I’m only evaluating the examples I personally have seen, so don’t come in here whining about how could I leave out Die Hard or The Nightmare Before Christmas, because I haven’t seen them!
Tier I: Joy to the World
The following films are inarguable classics. Required viewing every December. No excuses. I know I’m in the business of issuing hot takes in these tierings, but it is truly unthinkable to me that there can be any disagreement on the magnificence of these time-tested gems.
It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)
The opposite of capitalism isn’t communism; it’s Christmas! This was an utter layup. Next!
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)
From Hermey (who is mega into dentistry) to Fireball (who is mega into DOES) to Yukon Cornelius (who straight-up rules), Rudolph depicts a North Pole teeming with delightful supporting characters and cockamamie plot points that give bumble-like bounce to an otherwise typical hero’s journey. Rankin and Bass’s wildly imaginative interpretation of a mediocre novelty song proves that you truly can spin base metal source material into stop-motion silver and gold.
A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)
This may be the most thinkpieced-to-death of Christmas specials, so I’m not going to waste more cyber-ink here. You already love it, and you already know why.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966)
“Hey Brandon, what about those other Grinch movies?” Keep scrolling, son. Keeeeep scrolling.
A Garfield Christmas (1987)
I’ve rambled at length about Garfield before; suffice it to say, his feline mixture of sassy and sweet suits the complicated holiday experience purr-fectly. Pleasantly plump with reheatable lines, corn-fed gags, and just the right helping of sentiment, A Garfield Christmas reminds us that a little overeatin’ never did you any harm.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
Based as they often are in raunch, insult, and irreverence, comedies have a tendency to feel dated — even unwatchable — within a few years of release. But somehow, the perennial relatability of money worries and family struggles at the holidays has allowed Christmas Vacation to age with a grace that is frankly astonishing. That I am seeing Todd and Margo memes all over Facebook three decades later speaks to this flick’s enduring silliness, consistent hilarity, and surprising heart.
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)
That’s right. This one is the better of the two. I never really gave a lot of thought to which was the superior of the Homes Alone, but on this year’s rewatch it came clear that about 20 of my 25 most fondly remembered moments happen in the sequel. The heightened setting breeds bigger thrills; older Kevin is slier and funnier; the booby-traps are more comically violent; the angels have even filthier souls. Not even a then-meaningless cameo from America’s own real-life Scrooge can sink this Christmas caper.
The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Few actors can deliver the goods performing opposite other humans the way Michael Caine brings the fire working with puppets in this adaptation for the ages. Songs by the great Paul Williams are the shining jewels in this crowning Christmas achievement. (Be sure to get a copy that includes the inexplicably-cut-from-theatrical-release tearjerker “When Love Is Gone.”)
Elf (2003)
Thus far the only true classic to emerge in this, the third millennium since that first Christmas night, Elf has quickly cemented its place in the canon (and arguably at the peak of Will Ferrell’s legacy). A fish-out-of-water tale, a slapstick comedy, and a moral lesson about the value of singing aloud, this is the rare movie that attempts to be all things to all people and succeeds. If you don’t like it, why, I dare say you’re a cotton-headed ninnymuggins.
Tier II: All Is Bright
There are precisely zero things wrong with any of the movies in Tier II, but we have to start splitting reindeer hairs somewhere. I still recommend watching all of these every December, but you can be forgiven for skipping one or two every few years.
Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town (1970)
Rudolph made the mold, and Rankin & Bass found inspiration in another popular carol for this charming origin story of Santa as a red-haired youth resisting German authoritarian rule. (Bonus points for always making me think of a Christmas-themed installment of the utterly forgettable SNL sketch “Jarret’s Room” in which Jimmy Fallon suggests that you can Dark-Side-of-the-Rainbow this movie with Cream’s Wheels of Fire.)
The Year Without a Santa Claus (1974)
And then there’s this Rankin-Bass effort, which is much, much weirder. Here we have a verse play in which two elemental sprites must be convinced to alter Earth’s climate so that Santa will be convinced children believe in him again, featuring a lengthy subplot in which a dogcatcher does not realize he has captured a reindeer with socks over its antlers. I friggin’ love this movie.
Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas (1977)
The charming Jim Henson / Paul Williams magic is in full force even without the familiar Muppet faces. Plus the Riverbottom Nightmare Band rules. Hooligans is what they are!
A Claymation Christmas Celebration (1987)
Herb the Styracosaurus gets relentlessly dissed by his co-host Rex and does not care one whit while introducing this delightful series of animated music videos, framed by a through-line that puns painfully (wonderfully) on “Here We Come a-Wassailing.” I mean… the California Raisins, folks.
Home Alone (1990)
The underscoring of Old Man Marley reuniting with his granddaughter is John William’s second-finest marriage of music and film. (The first, of course, is the Brachiosaurus scene.)
A Johnny Bravo Christmas (2001)
I will be honest with you that, in my heart, I believe this probably belongs in Tier I, but I understand that it is niche. Of all the entries in this list that I hope readers will be inspired to check out, Johnny Bravo gets my strongest recommendation (but unfortunately may be toughest to track down). I’ve never seen another episode of the cartoon, yet I still can’t wait to break out this vintage DVD-R each year. It is WACKY and features a guest appearance by Donny Osmond. Get on it.
The Holiday (2006)
This is one of the best traditional romantic comedies out there. Jack Black, Kate Winslet, and Eli Wallach are absolutely sensational. Furthermore, JEALOUSY TURNING SAINTS INTO THE SEA SWIMMING THROUGH SICK LULLABIES CHOKING ON YOUR ALIBIS BUT THAT’S JUST THE PRICE I PAY…
Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas (2010)
Community’s second season holiday episode gave a rare example of “the parody of the thing that is as good as the actual thing,” hitting us with equal parts stop-motion funfest and unflinching exploration of emotional distress. As always, the show had comedy in the bag, but nailed the sentimentality too: “It’s the crazy notion that the longest, coldest, darkest nights can be the warmest and brightest.”
Tier III: Dece on Earth, and Mercy Mild
In this grab bag of thoroughly enjoyable films, some are flawed, others are slightly off, and a few are just really good but don’t quite belong in the upper tiers. Not the best, but Stille Nacht bad at all.
Frosty the Snowman (1969)
If we’re being completely honest, I’d have liked Frosty better if Rankin & Bass had stuck to the stop-motion.
Mickey’s Christmas Carol (1983)
Hey, this thing is getting kinda long! Maybe I won’t write as much about some of these!
The Christmas Toy (1986)
I saw this once in maybe fifth grade, and it’s a solid chunk of “wait, did Toy Story rip this off?” Mew the toy mouse is extremely lovable and cute.
Prancer (1989)
As Christmas movies go, this one is among the more offbeat (not oddball; we’ve got plenty of those). Probably because it’s part Canadian. It’s like if Santa Clause or Miracle on 34th were a horsegirl movie.
The Santa Clause (1994)
Tim Allen is, in our current moment, a parody of himself, but I am mincing no words when I tell you that his appearance in this movie is spectacular. Celebrate him forever for this. The sequence where they ask him for his name and he gives different aliases of Santa Claus should be in the Criterion Collection.
Miracle on 34th Street (1994)
Matilda and John Hammond in a classic parable of faith with a weirdly loophole-based climax? I’m in!
Jingle All the Way (1996)
This is a great example of a movie that hits all the right notes to make you feel warm and fuzzy, but when you think about it, teaches its main character absolutely no lesson of value. Sinbad, though!
Arthur’s Perfect Christmas (2000)
I… wow. This one really threw me for a loop. My brothers and I were introduced to this animated special featuring everyone’s favorite aardvark very recently, and it SHOCKED us. At various times we were staring silently with jaws agape, literally rolling on the floor with laughter, or shouting “No no no no NO NO NO!” Only the weak songwriting and vocal performances kept it from Tier II. I want to tell you every thoroughly wild and deeply grim detail, but I think it’s best if you go in blind. Just know in advance that the Arthur Christmas special —actually a multi-denominational holiday special, sincerely — gets MAD REAL. Yeah. Watch this movie.
Love Actually (2003)
It is possible to hold these two conflicting thoughts in one’s mind simultaneously:
- That piece about how Love Actually sucks is a great read and 100% right, and
- Love Actually is a fun movie we all enjoy watching.
This anthology of older men who fall in love with their subordinates is obviously riddled with hashtag-problematicity, but Bill Nighy has a total blast, lil Jojen is adorable, and Emma Thompson makes you cry every damn time. I hate Uncle Jamie!
Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Here’s one that really flew under the SantaTracker radar, but it’s a charming, worldbuildy DreamWorks Animation entry with a star-studded cast and I’m definitely not weirdly attracted to Isla Fisher as the Tooth Fairy in it! “Merry Christmas! Happy Easter! Don’t forget to floss!”
Olaf’s Frozen Adventure (2017)
Yes, this is the short that went before Coco and everyone complained about. Guess what, suckers! It’s cute and really sweet! (Let’s be clear, Coco is a masterpiece and it was weird to frontload it with an unexpected 20-minute diversion, but to quote my favorite scene of Arthur’s Perfect Christmas, “I DON’T CARE!”)
Tier IV: Oh Come On, All Ye Faithful
These flicks have their moments, or are watchable for camp value, but did we really need any of them? Here be unnecessary adaptations of classics from other media, unasked-for sequels (of Christmas and non-Christmas movies alike), anything that belongs in the “Crassmas” subgenre, and… snow dads? Give it a rest, ye merry gentlemen!
Frosty Returns (1992)
I think I saw this once? Is it really in the rotation for anyone?
Jack Frost (1998)
When I said some of these were enjoyable “for camp value,” you knew which one I meant. Respect to fellow Montour High School alumnus Michael Keaton, but… woof, what a yikesy premise.
Bad Santa (2003)
Oddly enough, I find this movie more heartwarming than it probably deserves. It’s ultimately too mean and gross, but the performances are strong (Lorelai Gilmore!) and it certainly isn’t lazy. No idea if it holds up, but I definitely enjoyed it in my late teens.
The Polar Express (2004)
This film was cited to explain the uncanny valley in an episode of 30 Rock and that may be its sole use.
Iron Man 3 (2013)
I wonder if Jon Favreau (director of Tier I entry Elf) regretted abandoning his captaincy of the Iron Man franchise when they added a Christmas sideplot to this convoluted Ben Kingsley cameo about Gwyneth Paltrow overheating from jade egg syndrome?
A Bad Moms Christmas (2017)
I like everyone in this movie a lot! Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell, Cheryl Hines, Christine Baranski! And ultimately, that’s its downfall — the end result is merely fine when it could have been so much better.
The Nutcracker and the Four Realms (2018)
This is, overall, a completely mediocre (if occasionally bizarre) foray into the classic story, but is worth watching solely for Keira Knightley’s unhinged performance as the Sugarplum Fairy. Legitimately I believe she should receive Oscar consideration for the way she commits to this role, even — especially! — in a mostly thankless movie. She eats her own hair!
Tier V: Robin Laid an Egg
Bring a torch, Jeanette, Isabella, and set this trash on fire.
A Christmas Story (1983)
Every kind of twee and cloying nastiness is on display in this misbegotten slog through the syrupy nostalgia of aspirationally generic faux-Americana. This movie sucks, and I consider it a personal affront to the infant Jesus that they run it 24/7 on like three different stations. Ted Turner is a war criminal.
Dr. Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)
“A turd sandwich deep-fried in pee,” observed my brother, accurately. There is one film adaptation of this beloved story, we covered it in Tier I, and accept no substitutes. I’m never going to see the 2018 version, but I’m holding a space for it in this tier out of sheer spite. For Christmas’s sake, Hollywood… remake everything else if you must, but leave this one alone.
A final note:
In the course of researching this piece, it was determined that Paddington, while not a Christmas movie (in spite of its inclusion in the annual Freeform holiday film marathon), is a movie for all seasons. And if you need to ask whether it belongs indeed in the highest of all tiers, well, don’t wait till next Christmas to give yourself the gift of watching Paddington.
Puzzlements? Quibbles? Nuclear takes? Fight me in the comments.
