Your Official Tiering of ‘Garfield’ Characters
Big, Fat, Hairy Deal
Garfield the cat took his first steps on June 19, 1978. While most cats barely make it to double digits due to their fragile mortality, ol’ Garf has been plugging along for four decades now thanks to the Jim Davis cartoon-industrial complex. His comic strip may not be the best, or the most beloved, or the one that was really good until its creator became a gross MRA. But it was always my favorite, so let’s look back on 40 years of Garfield characters and tier them according to my arbitrary whims.
Disclaimer
All images are illegally used without permission from the official Garfield website and therefore belong to PAWS, Inc., a terrifyingly powerful corporation I pray will never find out about this, lest they shake me down for every penny I am worth because they sure don’t play.
Tier I: Elite Cats
Like waking up from a long nap to a hot lasagna.
Grandma
Grandma rules. This is obvious, right? I don’t need to explain this? If her wistful monologue in the Christmas special doesn’t make you tear up like you’ve had a spoonful of her spicy sausage gravy, I regret to inform you that you are a monster.
Garfield
Duh. He gets title billing for a reason.
In the grand literary tradition of cats as otherwise godly beings who have been cosmically bound against their will to watch over a species they disdain, Garfield minimally tolerates Jon, eats and sleeps where pleases, and generally flouts societal mores. He was probably my earliest introduction to sarcasm, dry humor, breaking the fourth wall, running gags, and maybe even body positivity.
The best thing about Garfield is that, because he does not have an immortal soul, it does not matter how sinful he is. Thus he is free to make mean-spirited remarks and pull pranks to his conscienceless heart’s content, without fear of eternal retribution. That’s what makes Garfield so hilarious.
Anyone who tells you Garfield Minus Garfield is better than the original, punch them in the face. I love Garfield.
Lanolin
Yes, that’s right, I’m including the characters from U.S. Acres. Lanolin is a sheep who wears a bow, and that cracks me up every time I think of it. A kind of impish, mean-spirited anti-hero delivering comedy at the expense of her hapless barnmates, she’s essentially the female ovine Garfield proxy of the U.S. Acres universe. (Is the U.S. Acres universe separate from the Garfield universe? Who can know?)
Liz
While doing her part to keep Garfield alive for 40 years, Liz was relentlessly sexually harassed at her place of business by the pathetic Jon Arbuckle but still managed to keep her sense of humor. Let’s first heap some serious praise on this veteran veterinarian for all the catcalls she’s had to put up with while calling on cats.
But that’s not all there is to this character. In the mid-2000s, Liz and Jon surprisingly began a (consensual!) long-term relationship, probably the biggest change to the in-strip continuity since the introduction of Odie.
This seems pretty messed up when we consider how undeserving Jon has been for the previous three decades. But if you can accept that Liz has made this choice for herself, her greatly increased regular appearances are one of the highlights of latter-day Garfield.
Tier II: Nice Touch
Not bad at all.
Sheldon
All sublanoline characters of U.S. Acres are essentially there to provide a canvas for Lanolin’s antics, but Sheldon is wildly ahead of the rest because he’s an egg. The Garfield wiki describes him as “quiet, thoughtful, and introverted,” which is a real best-case scenario for a supporting player from a secondary comic.
Arlene
I was going to put Arlene in the “forgettable” tier, but then I looked back at some older strips that feature her and boy was I wrong! Modern Arlene is more of an even match for her sometime boyfriend (and modern Garfield less of a jackweed to her), but vintage Arlene has zero time for his shenanigans and she lets him know it. Watch her jam his grapes over and over again with these brutal owns:
Dad
If you’ve ever looked at American Gothic and thought, “I bet this dude just serves up the LOLs,” Papa Arbuckle is your guy.
Tier III: Stupid but Perfect
Critics who think Garfield is just some schlocky mass-produced marketing scheme overlook how richly weird its characters are, and how unsettling it is that Davis based most of them on himself and his own family.
Doc Boy
Jon’s brother Doc Boy is the flavorless idiot who makes me laugh. Remember the look on his wan expressionless face when Grandma bonked him with a serving spoon? Friggin’ priceless.
Jon
Jon is like a better version of Doc Boy who is just smart enough to be in on jokes but still dumb enough to be abused by his own pets. It’s as though he has no idea they would starve helplessly if he chose to let them die.
Tier IV: The Ones with the Charlie Brown Eyes
Why don’t they have big eyes like everyone else? That always bugged the crap outta me. Otherwise, nothing obviously wrong with these characters, but… let’s just say it’s good that they see limited minutes.
Irma
Irma works at the local diner and frankly I would not go to it.
Mom
Jon’s mom is the kind of mother who is constantly trying to get everyone to eat, which gee Mr. Davis that’s about as original as a comic strip dog with a round black spot on his torso.
Pooky
I get why we have Pooky; I’m just not sure why we need Pooky.
Tier V: Forgettable
The less said here, the better.
Roy
Who is Roy? Yes, he’s the local trickster and Lanolin’s number-one punching bag, but be honest — do you remember him at all?
Bo
When you have Lanolin, you just do not need this ancillary clown.
Tier VI: Actively Annoying
It’s not that I don’t think these characters bring balance and variety to their milieu; it’s that I think in real life they’d be in. su. ffer. a. ble.
Orson
The ostensible lead character of U.S. Acres (called Orson’s Farm internationally), Orson is a real sap. He is akin to the Jon Arbuckle of his world — in that we are supposed to understand that he sucks and enjoy high-jinks at the expense of his bland optimism — but he far outranks Jon in self-awareness, making his futile exploits much more of a bummer.
Booker
I hate Booker.
Nermal
Y’ns knew this was coming. Nermal thinks he is hot stuff but Nermal can eat it. This twerp believes he can coast by on his good looks and get everything he wants out of life, then cries like a dumb baby when Garfield mails him to Abu Dhabi. Nermal is basically your most obnoxious white faux-progressive friend who is constantly posting about Russia. Eff Nermal.
Tier VII: Should Be Drug Out into the Street and Shot
The Mondays of characters.
Lyman
Everything about this Peanuts-eyed sleazebag screams “sex criminal.” And Jim Davis knows it! Ever wonder why he “retired” the character years ago? Yeah. Lyman got me’d too before it was even a thing.
Wade
Imagine being so terrible you are continuously upstaged by your own inner tube, which by the way you are somehow always wearing despite the fact that you can swim because you are a G.D. duck. If that is what your life is, then you are Wade, and that’s a real bummer because Wade is utter trash.
Odie
Look at this stupid flap of foreskin. Is Odie supposed to be smart, or an idiot? Who cares. He is a Snoopy rip-off who is made for children to hate. Odie sucks.
When I started this tiering, I thought it would be snarky, goofy, and mostly meaningless. But as I read through the back catalog looking for example strips (at the astute suggestion of my draft readers), I was reminded of what I love about the snarky, goofy, and mostly meaningless work of enduring popular art that is Garfield. It’s fashionable to take potshots at this comic in our age of mass cultural critique, but I’m happy as always to play the contrarian. Garfield is earnest, unpretentious, and just a bit bizarre, and we could all use a little more of that.
It’s hard to be funny every day for 40 years, and no, Garfield hasn’t always made me laugh. But he always makes me smile.
So happy birthday, Garfield! And happy anniversary, Garfield.
Puzzlements? Quibbles? Nuclear takes? Fight me in the comments.
