Your Official Tiering of Christmas Songs
Spoiler Alert: Not a Bold Defense of Secularism
Christmas music season has begun, and that means it’s time to unleash one of my best known, most polarizing tierings, first developed last holiday season in one of the top-commented Facebook threads I’ve ever posted. I grew up in a household that fostered both a deep appreciation for the Feast of the Nativity and the formation of unwavering musical opinions, so for me, Christmas carols are a serious business.
A few ground rules, before you all lose your damn minds:
- Notability: To compile my initial list, I began with well-established hymns, traditional carols, and Great American Songbook standards. Anything more recent than about mid-20th-century was held to a pretty stringent standard of universal acceptance in the canon, meaning you won’t find many one-off pop originals.
- Portability: This is a tiering of songs on their own merits, irrespective of particular artists or recordings. No doubt certain entries call to mind iconic performances, but that is not my interest here. Nor am I considering specific styles of interpretation, such as Mannheim Steamroller or Trans-Siberian Orchestra, though I will be putting Andy Williams on blast for no reason.
- Relevance: READ THIS RULE CAREFULLY. Songs not about Christmas are not now and will never be eligible for inclusion. This rule necessarily excludes such non-Christmas songs as “The Star-Spangled Banner,” “Forgot About Dre,” and “My Favorite Things.”
All right, then… o’er the fields we go!
TIER I: UNASSAILABLE
Sing any of these and you can’t help but earn a tiny index-pinky “rock on” gesture from the infant Jesus.
Angels We Have Heard on High
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
Joy to the World
O Come, All Ye Faithful
O Come, O Come, Emmanuel
O Holy Night
Silent Night
We Three Kings
TIER II: CLASSICS
These don’t demand to be belted to the rafters like Tier I, but they are can’t-miss inclusions in the canon.
Carol of the Bells (instrumental)
Come, Thou Long-Expected Jesus
The First Noel
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
Good King Wenceslas
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Here We Come a-Wassailing
I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
The Little Drummer Boy
Lo, How a Rose E’er Blooming
Mary’s Boy Child
The Nutcracker Suite (well-known excerpts)
O Little Town of Bethlehem
O Tannenbaum (German)
What Child Is This?
TIER III: CHARMING NOVELTY SONGS
The secular world has its merits.
All I Want for Christmas Is You
Blue Christmas
The Christmas Song
Frosty the Snowman
Happy Christmas (War Is Over)
Have a Holly-Jolly Christmas
Here Comes Santa Claus
Jingle Bells
Let It Snow
Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
This Christmas
White Christmas
TIER III-a: Original Songs from the 1974 Rankin and Bass Stop-Motion Film ‘The Year Without a Santa Claus’
If you don’t know this insane movie, the plot of which involves (a) two elves disguising a reindeer as a dog by putting socks on its antlers, (b) Mrs. Claus convincing two trickster-like elemental beings to alter Earth’s climate, and (c) Santa JUST DECIDING NOT TO DO CHRISTMAS, please watch it posthaste. Did I mention it’s a verse play?
I Believe in Santa Claus
I Could Be Santa Claus
It’s Gonna Snow Right Here in Dixie
The Snow Miser / The Heat Miser
The Year Without a Santa Claus (and its reprise)
TIER IV: SLIGHTLY CLOYING
After about one time through the hook, these all start to feel like you’re listening to the Kidz Bop version.
Away in a Manger
Deck the Halls
Do You Hear What I Hear?
Go Tell It on the Mountain
I Saw Three Ships
It Came Upon the Midnight Clear
O Christmas Tree (English)
The Holly and the Ivy
Up on the Housetop
TIER V: ENOUGH, ANDY WILLIAMS
I’m legitimately not sure some of these aren’t different titles for the same song.
Happy Holidays
Home for the Holidays
I’ll Be Home For Christmas
It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas
It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Silver Bells
Sleigh Ride
Winter Wonderland
TIER VI: A WHOLE LOTTA COAL
If Big-Mouth Billy Bass had been a Christmas fish, this is what he would’ve sung. (Actually, they probably did sell something like that, huh?)
Carol of the Bells (with lyrics of any kind)
Feliz Navidad
Jingle Bell Rock
Mele Kalikimaka
Must Be Santa
Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
The Twelve Days of Christmas
We Wish You a Merry Christmas
I don’t love what it suggests about me that I low-tiered all the foreign-language carols except the German one, but those songs are lame in any tongue.
TIER VII: KILL ME
I never want to hear any of these again in my life.
All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth
Christmas, Don’t Be Late (aka the awful Chipmunks song with the hula hoop)
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
Last Christmas
Santa Baby
TIER VIII: THE LITERAL WORK OF SATAN
Unto us a child was born who would take away the sins of the world, and here is the worst of them.
The Christmas Shoes
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a hearty “Never rank; always tier!” And though this was a performer-independent tiering, if you’re curious who’s on my personal Christmas playlist: plenty of TSO, a little Sinatra, some Kelly Clarkson, Muppet Christmas Carol, the obligatory Springsteen, and a heavy dose of Pittsburgh legend B. E. Taylor, may he rest in eternally funky peace.
Puzzlements? Quibbles? Nuclear takes? Fight me in the comments.
