Zoocap 2.7
I Say a Little Prayer for Zoo
Editor’s Note: This post originally appeared Aug. 3, 2016 on a now-defunct website (no, not Grantland). It has been republished here for archival.
Join us each week as we attempt to unpack the latest cuckoobananas episode of The CBS Program Zoo, setting ablaze our hottest takes as a burnt offering to the animal gods. Previous episodes: 2.1/2.2, 2.3, 2.4, 2.5, 2.6. This week: Season 2, Episode 7, “Jamie’s Got a Gun.”
I’m getting a bit weary of the misleading episode titles. Not much in the way of sex or lies in last week’s “Sex, Lies, and Jellyfish,” and while technically we did see Jamie carrying a gun this week, that did not register as a title-worthy moment, leaving us with little more than a bad pun on a great Aerosmith tune.
Next week’s title is “Zero Sum,” a phrase which I almost never hear used correctly, giving me little hope about its application here. But I’m already scraping the bottom of the barrel for zoo puns in my recap titles, and we’re only halfway through the season. So who am I to judge?
What the Hell Did I Just Watch
Aboard Zoo Force One
Oh boy, it’s learning time with Bill Nye the Nonsense Guy, A.K.A. Mitch Morgan! After a quick introductory recap of the B.S. that’s gotten us this far — we need to find all seven animals with the #GhostGene / #TripleHelix to make the cure, yada yada jesus christ — Mitch explains that the origin of this mutation can be traced back to Leonard Pierce, a goofball who traveled the world demonstrating his X-ray machine on anything he could, accidentally creating #GhostGene animals like a radioactive Eugene Schieffelin.
“So you’re saying that some traveling carnie grifter from the 1800s inadvertently invented the triple helix?” Yes, Jamie. All the #TripleHelix animals (including Jackson!) are somehow descended from the animals and people Pierce X-rayed, because only his magical machine had the secret #GhostGene radiation gun and no, you don’t care, I don’t care, the writers don’t really care.
Folks, if you are trying to keep track of the exact nature of the ecological threat that forms the central premise of The CBS Program Zoo, it is long past time to give up. Even the pseudoscience on this show is bonkers. All you need to know is they need seven animals, they have five of them, and the dusty records of a Victorian idiot might help them find the rest.
Later that night, Jackson (who has super hearing now, a development that is shown briefly and never revisited) drives off with a shovel and without an explanation. The Gang chases him down to a nearby field where he’s digging a grave for Chloe (yeah, rub salt in that wound, please — #BringBackChloe), whose body was already sent to her family in France. But Jackson has come unhinged, and keeps muttering a bizarre phrase:
“All Good Children Are Growing Teeth…”
Because you and I, like the writers of TCBSPZ, have read Jurassic Park, we recognize this jumble of A, G, C, and T as a mnemonic for a genetic sequence. This being a rare example of something that would actually be taught in real-life vet school, Mitch is all over it. “That’s the first six nucleotides of the ghost gene,” he tells Jackson, “and you’re gonna tell me the rest.”
So while the remainder of The Gang ventures into the English countryside, Mitch and Jackson stay on the plane to take a trippy vision quest through Jackson’s memory, because this week the writers’ room is into Darren Aronofsky. Jackson recounts his difficult childhood and the ways his dad traumatized him by trepanning his pet ferrets, et cetera. You know, the usual father-son strife. But as time went by, he started turning from dad scientist to mad scientist.
Hey, that’s the voiceover that opens this show!
Delving deeper into his memory, Jackson recalls the day Robert Oz truly snapped — the day someone burned down his office, destroying all his research. It must have been someone who found out about the new experiments he was planning… dark experiments.
Mitch: “Are we talking about human testing?”
Jackson: “Testing makes it sound more legitimate.”
After the fire, Robert Oz became even more unhinged, prompting Jackson and his mother to flee to Botswana. But there’s one more crucial detail Jackson can’t remember.
Let us enter Jackson’s mind:
I’m in my father’s lab. Gosh, I shouldn’t be here, setting all the animals free! How did I get here? Did you figure out what I’m doing yet?
Wait… the lab is on fire! Who set the fire? WHO SET THE — OH MY GOD. IT WAS ME. I SET THE FIRE.
I BURNED DOWN MY DAD’S LAB, STOPPING HIS INSANE EXPERIMENTS BUT MAYBE ALSO DESTROYING THE CURE IN THE PROCESS.
Oh, by the way, I remember that gene sequence now, which was the whole point of this.
But that’s not the only revelation. Jackson remembers the day Robert Oz said goodbye.
He remembers a tiny pinprick at the back of his neck.
It wasn’t genetics. It wasn’t Leonard Pierce. It was dear old Dad.
ROBERT OZ GAVE HIS SON THE MUTATION.
Holbeach, England, Wherever the Hell That Is
Meanwhile, the rest of The Gang rolls up in Tinytown, U.K., to look for Leonard Pierce’s records.
Pierce’s old residence is just down the street, because literally everything in The CBS Program Zoo is crazy convenient, but The Gang is waylaid rescuing Annoying British Kid, who leads them to a church basement movie night and who is the unequivocal worst. I hate him.
At Church Basement Movie Night, The Gang learns that exceptionally loud bugs have kept the townspeople from a normal sleep schedule, wreaking havoc on their mental health while the other animals wreak havoc on their physical health. At this moment and for no reason, a crazy old lady decides to open the door to a horde of wild animals, and —
OMG LOOK AT THAT CGI PANTHER LMBO:
After The Gang settles things down with the fastest-acting tranquilizers in known history, they powwow with Priesto, the generic priest character who always seems to show up in these tragedy-prone small towns. He tells them that Raydon Global (spelled “Reiden”) was here last week, and probably beat them to all the sweet sweet animal lists in dead weirdo Pierce’s cupboard. “How can they be ahead of us?” Dariela asks about an organization that has been ahead of them this entire time. Whatever the answer, The Gang is going to have to find another solution — Pierce’s leftover animal bones.
Abe, Jamie, and Priesto have to search through all of the town’s records in order to find the box o’ bones, a classic TCBSPZ invented obstacle on a trail of convenient discoveries. “Your team has been at the top of our prayer list for some time,” Priesto tells Jamie, who shoots back, “Yeah, how’s that working out for you?”
LOL OWNED. The two continue having dumb metaphysical arguments about God and whatever. Here is the cheesiest exchange:
Jamie: “There’s a thin line between brave and stupid.”
Priesto: “Yes, and that thin line is called hope.”
Just as Jamie points out that there is no higher power, she accidentally knocks over a stack of records that reveals exactly what they’re looking for. It’s contrived, even for The CBS Program Zoo. They find out that Pierce buried the animal bones in the cemetery under a fake brother’s name, so Abe and Priesto start digging.
At this moment, Priesto decides to randomly mention that by the way there was a guy named Professor Robert Oz who stopped by with Raydon Global. “Robert Oz is dead!” insists Abe, because I guess he hasn’t read that part of the script yet. But Priesto isn’t lying. What does this mean? Why would Jackson’s dad fake his death? Let’s ponder this while they bob and weave past four unexplained cars, a moment I could watch all day:
As they part ways, Jamie thanks Priesto for his help.
Priesto: “Should I cross you off our prayer list?”
Jamie: “Nah. Knock yourself out.”
Meanwhile, Dariela is having doubts about her vow to kill Jackson when she could be protecting Annoying British Kid and his pals.
LOL OWNED. Somehow, this makes her decide to stay and help, presumably so she can push Annoying British Kid into a sinkhole when no one’s looking. Logan helps out by collecting a list of all their weapons and mansplaining cricket to her. Dari bids him a fond farewell. “Stay with Jamie,” she says. “I see how you look at her.” Logan blushes. “Is it really that obvious?”
(Yes, those are thought-speak brackets.)
Dariela gathers up the townspeople and their supplies, and with Priesto by her side, the long journey begins.
But wait a minute. What’s this?
Wait.
WHAT?
WAIT, WHAT?
Davies: “No, sit tight. I’ll be in touch.”
SWEET LIL LOGAN IS A MOLE.
Guess The Gang shoulda vetted him. Whoops.
ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Random Stranger of the Week
Bogglements of the Mind
Uhhhhh okay so lemme get this straight… Abe sees a picture of Raydon Global guys carrying one box, from which he concludes that (a) Pierce must still have the bones of all the #TripleHelix animals because (b) Raydon Global couldn’t have taken the bones in their one box. Therefore, the best way to identify the the remaining animals is by finding their bones. Okay. Remember that the #TripleHelix animals so far include:
- Snakes, whose bones could totally fit in that one box.
- Sloths, whose bones could totally fit in that one box.
- Vultures, whose bones could totally fit in that one box.
- Ants, who DO NOT HAVE BONES.
- Jellyfish, who DO NOT HAVE BONES.
All this to say, what a shitty moment of product placement, because I can’t even tell what phone that is.
Shipping Manifest
Jamitch vs. LogJam
This just gets worse and worse. Meanwhile…
I believe I’ve made my case.
MarzHam
And then…
AWWWWW YEEEEEAHHHHH.
She’s gone. But she’ll be back.
Mitchison
I’ve heard from plenty of people who think we’re not supposed to be shipping these two. Let’s go to the tapes:
Uh-huh. SHIP CONFIRMED.
Zoolight of the Episode
Zoonifying Theme
Jamie: “There’s a thin line between brave and stupid.”
Priesto: “Yes, and that thin line is called hope.”
Trite as it was, that little exchange really resonated with this episode and its display of brave, stupid, hopeful acts. Dariela takes it upon herself to shepherd the townspeople to safety. Mitch forces Jackson into a drug-incuced therapy session because it’s the only way to save him. Jackson destroyed his dad’s lab, knowing he must stop the experiments but ignorant of the wider consequences. Jamie… well, Jamie still hasn’t done anything. But you hold on to what you’ve got.
