Zoocap 2.6
Zoo Do You Love?
Editor’s Note: This post originally appeared July 27, 2016 on a now-defunct website (no, not Grantland). It has been republished here for archival.
Join us each week as we attempt to unpack the latest cuckoobananas episode of The CBS Program Zoo, setting ablaze our hottest takes as a burnt offering to the animal gods. Previous episodes: 2.1/2.2, 2.3, 2.4, 2.5. This week: Season 2, Episode 6, “Sex, Lies, and Jellyfish.”
The title of this episode is “Sex, Lies, and Jellyfish.” That is an accomplishment in episode titling, but I’m very sorry to report the following regarding its accuracy:
- Nobody has sex in this episode.
- Lies do not seem to be a central plot point, though to be fair, The CBS Program Zoo is not exactly a show you can fact-check.
- This episode contains exactly ONE jellyfish, and it’s not even scary.
Sorry to everyone who was hoping for a steamy, deceit-filled Jamie / Logan hookup in the middle of a jellyfish swarm. Would a better title have been “Punching, Bonkers Ideas, and Spiders”? Let’s find out.
What the Hell Did I Just Watch
Aboard Zoo Force One
We begin with a very good Monkees song that could’ve been used to underscore almost anything other than Jamie rinsing off her mangled foot in the shower while having flashbacks to the “Previously On.” She seems to have some kind of PTSD and is upset to learn of Chloe’s death, features which set her apart from the rest of The Gang in exactly zero ways. Sounds like the perfect formula for a classic TCBSPZ manufactured conflict!
After Mitch recaps the entire season for Jamie (and anyone else tuning in for the first time ever), we check in on Jackson and Allison Shaw, the unasked-for Replacement Chloe determined to take a run at Jamie’s Worst Character title belt.
Jackson demands to know about THE COURIER, which you may recall were Chloe’s inaudible last words. Turns out it’s the name of an old Weekly World News-style tabloid.
Allison: “These are a few of the headlines: ‘Blood Rain Decimates Crops.’ ‘Ants Create Lightning.’ ‘Earthquake Caused by Sloths.’ Sound familiar?”
Jackson: “Yeah, those are the events created by the #TripleHelix animals. So what.”
Allison: “Look at the date.”
EIGHTEEN. NINETY. FIVE.
Jackson: “Are you saying that all of this has happened before?”
Sure, why not?
The Gang then spend nearly the next entire act recapping the discovery of THE COURIER and the nonsense science of the #TripleHelix, genomic fossils, and the Seven Special Animals, which so far include:
- Blood Vultures
- Electric Ants
- Earthquake Sloths
- Toilet Snakes
Jackson figures out the actually pretty valuable connection that THE COURIER can help them determine which animal to collect next for the cure:
- Hurricane Jellyfish
“Can I ask a dumb question?” Logan pipes up. “How can jellyfish cause hurricanes?”
Good, these two immediately recognize each other as romantic rivals for Terrible Jamie.
It doesn’t matter how jellyfish cause hurricanes, or why their plan suddenly hinges on finding one that’s over a century old. What matters is they’re headed to Portugal, where, as the pilot who exists only in voiceover warns, “Things are about to get nasty.”
Allison has appointed Mitch as The Gang’s new and extremely reluctant leader, a storyline as obvious as it is delightful. But that’s not the only personnel decision she’s made. While the others set out on their jellyfish quest, she keeps Logan and Jamie aboard for questioning. Jamie, of course, vouches for Logan, about whom she knows basically nothing, and Allison — bless her — replies:
LOL OWNED.
Allison grills Jamie, presumably to challenge her dominance as Absolute Worst Character.
Allison: “I have to assume that you are smarter than that.”
Jamie: “You don’t know a thing about me.”
So real, Jamie. Allison has no idea how dumb you can truly be.
Allison: “One would assume if you had any area of expertise” —
YEAH, SO, HERE’S THE THING ABOUT JAMIE. Allison, you are really proving that old adage about assumptions.
Jamie: “I trust Logan with my life.”
Allison: “More than Mitch?”
AHA! So that’s what all this is about. Logan gets a similar interrogation:
Allison: “How long have you been in love with Jamie?”
You see what’s happening here, right? Allison wants Jamie and Logan to be together… so she can have Mitch all to herself.
Mutated animals? Who cares, this is a show for SHIPPERS.
Lisbon
Mitch: “The guy who has our jellyfish, his name is Duncan Santos. He’s the local venom dealer here in Lisbon, because god knows every city needs one of those.”
That’s where we’re starting from, so it should come as no surprise that in order to get the jellyfish, The Gang has to travel blindfolded to a seedy backroom and offer their services to collect specimens of a venomous tarantula, all while wondering if they should find Santos’s Portuguese accent offensive.
Armed with antivenom epipens from the Foreshadowing Store that apparently require excruciating amounts of expositional dialogue to activate, Mitch, Dari, Abe, and Jackson head into the spiders’ abandoned shopping mall lair. This sequence is mostly an excuse for Mitch to deliver witty one-liners (“Hey, I’m going to say something a leader would”; “Hopefully there’s a Pinkberry”; boy do I wish that second line immediately followed the first), and for adult humans to run away from hilarious CGI spiders.
Spoiler Alert: Everyone gets bit, but is fine.
Back at Santos’s place, the unexpected arrival of a group of thugs seems to indicate The Gang have been double-crossed. They’re looking for Jackson Oz, which prompts the entire group to go Full Spartacus. When that doesn’t work, Mitch lets the spiders out of the bag to bite only the bad guys (it remains extremely helpful that the animals always know to do that), and then people start kicking and punching each other and shooting their guns off. It’s great.
At this most convenient of moments, Jackson remembers that he has mutant powers, and pummels one bad dude into oblivion while Mitch ladles the jellyfish into a take-home. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know when to stop, and Dariela is about to put him down per their agreement when Abe steps in. It’s not great.
Back on Zoo Force One, everyone needs to talk to everyone. Allison seems to want Jamie gone. Mitch decides to let Logan stay. Abe wants Jackson to live, a point upon which Jackson is pretty much in agreement. Us Darielas and Jamies need to stick together.
But we’ve got a much bigger problem, and it’s called the Ghost Gene. I’d explain it, but what’s the goddamn point. #GhostGene is the new #GenomicFossil is the new #TripleHelix is the new #MotherCell is the new #DefiantPupil. The CBS Program Zoo is a game of ever-moving goalposts. Question is, how did Davies find the #GhostGene when even Mitch, the Polymath of Vet School, can’t?
Jackson: “Who the hell does he have working for him?”
Do you know?
Did you figure it out?
YUP.
JACKSON’S DEAD DAD IS STILL ALIVE.
ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Random Stranger of the Week
Somebody read A Storm of Swords.
Bogglements of the Mind
At one point in this episode, Mitch explains how jellyfish affect the climate to cause hurricanes, and we are just going to go ahead and skip over that part and call it fact.
In order to locate the typhoon-inducing jellyfish, Abe quickly jumps on the computer and I guess types “current world hurricane map” or something into Google. Seconds later:
— “Looks like we’re heading to Portugal.”
Wait. Leave aside that they can instantly read this advanced weather map with no meteorological training. Leave aside that your first tip-off about a hurricane being unusual should be that it’s IN PORTUGAL. Leave aside that jellyfish are involved at all.
FIVE hurricanes, and only one of them is abnormal? WHEN HAVE THERE EVER BEEN FOUR NORMAL HURRICANES AT ONCE?
Twice, according to NOAA:
Four hurricanes occurred simultaneously on two occasions. The first occasion was August 22, 1893…
Are you sure it wasn’t 1895?
Shipping Manifest
Jamitch
And later, when Allison asks about them…
Uh-oh, folks. Trouble in Jamitchburg.
LogJam
Meanwhile, Jamie’s second ship seems headed for very friendly shores…
AND I’D LIKE TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU IN RETURN.
BUT YOU KNOW ME.
MarzHam
They’re interrupted by spiders, but later:
Well, one of these days, one of you better figure out what the other wants you to say.
Oedipus and Jocasta
(Or if you’re not a Sophocles fan… “Mitchison”?)
Oh yeah. Sounds like the Gin Blossoms and Mitch’s dad aren’t the only ones who’ve been down Allison Road, know what I’m saying?
Zoolight of the Episode
After a single episode of marginal competence, Jamie is back to her naïveté (“What? Raydon Global wasn’t prosecuted?!”) and awful decisionmaking. Armed only with vague details of Dariela’s involvement in Chloe’s death, she decides to pick a fight during in-flight turbulence.
Let’s size up our competitors:
Dari holds back at first, but ultimately decides to give Jamie the ass-kicking she so richly deserves. It is glorious.
This does, however, lead to one of the actual best scenes in The CBS Program Zoo canon, in which Dariela offers Jamie some putty to fill out the empty toe space in her shoe.
Jamie: “Thanks. Army Ranger trick?”
Dariela: “Catholic school. Florence O’Shea… lawnmower accident. Kids used to call her No-Toe Flo.”
They actually bond. It’s a legitimately well-written, subtly acted, natural scene. I’m as stunned as you are.
Dari mentions that it will be good for Jamie to have Logan around.
Dariela: “It helps to have someone who’s been through what you’ve been through.”
Jamie: “Catholic school again?”
Dariela: “No, that was Army Rangers.”
And then comes one of the most sincere laughs in TCBSPZ history:
Bonkers Dialogue Lightning Round
- “In some tautological Rubik’s cube of logic, I wish that I could change my aversion to change, but that in and of itself would require change.”
- “I have too much going on in Washington. I can’t be here to Charlie you Angels all the time.”
- “Did I mention Mitch is not at all what I expected? Guess I pictured more of a drummer, less of a lead singer.”
- “Somewhere between him sharing stories about playing Moses in his school play and his onion allergy, he gained my trust.”
- — “Good news is, wandering spider venom has a certain side effect.”
— “What kind of side effect?”
— “Six-hour erection.” - — “So we’re going after a crazy, drug-addled venom dealer in the middle of a hurricane.”
— “Yes, because that is what we do.”
Exposition. Constantly restated exposition is what we do.
Zoonifying Theme
In a crumbling world of ever-shifting alliances, you gotta find somebody to trust. Can Jackson trust Dariela to do what must be done if he loses control? Can Abe convince her to spare his best friend’s life as long as they can still save him? Can The Gang put any faith in Allison, or believe in Mitch’s leadership, when those two can’t resolve their own differences? Can Jamie count on anyone besides Logan? Can literally anyone count on Jamie?
It’s a long walk down forty-seven miles of barbed wire. Better know who you love.
