Your Official Tiering of Pixar Films
Plus a Few Disney-Only Films That Are Basically Pixar Films
The Incredibles 2, possibly the most-anticipated sequel of my lifetime (let us now and always forget that Jurassic World ever happened), hits theaters this week, and people STILL HAVE NOT LEARNED TO STOP RANKING THINGS. So in an effort to set the world right, here is your official tiering of the Pixar catalog (with a few minor errata).
Tier I: [We Don’t Have a Word for This in the English Language, But It’s the Emotion You Feel When Buzz Lightyear Shouts “NOT TODAY!” and His Wings Slice Through the Duct Tape]
It is very difficult to thin the herd up here, so the Tier I test metric is “If you asked me to watch this movie right now, would I figure out a way to make space for a couple hours?” The answer for every one of these is a hearty “YES.”
Toy Story
Is there a better movie with a dumber title?
Monsters, Inc.
I once underrated this film, and it’s probably my greatest regret. A masterpiece.
The Incredibles
WHERE. IS. MY. SUPER. SUIT???
Wall-E
I have no emotional connection to Hello, Dolly, but the Peter Gabriel song at the end is fire.
Toy Story 3
Yes, there is a better movie with a dumber title.
Wreck-It Ralph*
Oh, do you not see the Pixar logo? Try to tell me this is not a Pixar movie. Just try. A movie in which the hero declares, in complete spiritual defeat, “I will never be good,” AS HE IS LITERALLY [SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER] GUHHHH ARE YOU KIDDING ME I AM BAWLING RIGHT NOW AS I TYPE THIS. I cried harder at Wreck-It Ralph than any other entry on this list.
Coco
…except Coco. I cried harder at Coco.
Tier II: If Every Movie Were Super, No Movie Would Be
Great movies by any measure, but in this canon, mere greatness is just okay.
Finding Nemo
When I watched this in the theater, I chewed my fingernails down to nubs. It’s intense!
Up
I know this is a hot take, but the rest of the movie is just as good as the first five minutes.
Inside Out
You can’t serve up more of a home-run backdrop for me than “girl hockey player moves to a new city.”
Zootopia*
Another Pixar-in-spirit flick, this one hinges on a character who really loves blueberries, and I’ve never related to anything more.
Tier III: Falling with Style
I like all of these movies, but they tend more toward moments of greatness with stretches of simply decent in between.
Toy Story 2
People love to say that this movie is better than the original, and they are welcome to spread that lie on their own unread blogs.
Ratatouille
It’s very, very hard for me to overcome the idea of rats in the kitchen.
Monsters University
This is the highest-tiered entry to lack a true Classic Pixar Gut-Punch™, but unlike the other such films, it’s really, really fun.
Tier IV: Just Keep Swimming, Preferably to Another Movie
These movies exist, and I have seen them.
A Bug’s Life
It’s fun to remember that they barely made Toy Story 2 as an afterthought while focusing all their energy on whatever this was.
Cars
I do not find the truck character endearing.
Brave
This is the worst bait-and-switch movie since that gritty flick about a female boxer turned out to be a grueling, morally reprehensible ableist diatribe.
Tier V: I Have Not Seen These Movies and Cannot Imagine a Confluence of Events That Would Bring Me to Do So
This does not include Finding Dory, which I have not yet seen but could see myself getting into.
Cars 2
I’ll be honest… it’s possible I did see this one.
The Good Dinosaur
It’s very, very hard to make a dinosaur movie that I have no interest in.
Cars 3
When I saw this trailer in theaters, I legitimately thought it was a joke.
Bonus Tiering! Some of the Disney and Pixar Shorts
Tier I: Classic
Luxo Jr.
Get a Horse!
Piper
Tier II: Delightful
Day and Night
Olaf’s Frozen Adventure (that’s right, I loved this, eat it)
Tier III: Fine
La Luna
The Blue Umbrella
Tier IV: Whatever
Boundin’
Inner Workings
Tiers V-XCVIII
[placeholder tiers]
Tier XCIX: Worse Songs Than This Exist, But I Can’t Think of Any Right Now
Lava
Puzzlements? Quibbles? Nuclear takes? Fight me in the comments.
