Stoppage Tim: The Story Of Tim FC
My obsessive, silly, fluctuating between generally lazy and absurdly detail-oriented personality has long been intrigued by the legendary video game Football Manager. The series, an incredibly comprehensive football (soccer) management simulator, allows the player to manage every aspect of a team in a very large number of leagues. And I do mean every aspect. In addition to obvious things like setting the lineup and formation, scouting available players for transfer, or negotiating contracts, you can give players individual pep talks, give them specialized training, and shout encouragement from the touch line during matches. You can even ask that your players take a language course so that they can communicate better with your teammates.
For obvious reasons, I had refrained from taking the plunge into these deep and enticing waters — but that changed recently with an influx of free time and a renewed determination to manage said time wisely. After all, if I could manage to vastly curtail the amount of my life spent on social media and reading internet articles, I could do work, keep my life on track, and have more structured play time. We’ll see if that works! At any rate, when I expressed interest in getting Football Manager, my friend (and roommate’s brother) Ben said “I hope you get FM so that I can see you impose ridiculous rules like ‘only players named Tim’ or something.”
Ben, say no more. Here is the story of Tim FC.
The Manager: Meet Tim von Yourlife
I considered creating a replica of myself to manage Tim FC, but decided to create a beanpole of a man named Tim von Yourlife whose face I could customize in exciting ways. His country of origin? Naturally, East Timor. He couldn’t be born in a place beginning with Tim, but Tilomar would have to do. His favorite team is Tim Osvjezenje of Croatia, but we’re sending him to England to head up the newly created Tim FC.
Tim von Yourlife has my birthday, a robust 28 years old, but why limit him to my dimensions? This looks like more fun.
Sure, he’s a touch skinny, but nothing some good hearty English breakfasts won’t cure. Very practical green overcoat for those tough winters. You can’t see it in this picture, but he’s got a man bun, which should help him connect with his younger players. Tim’s ready to roll! He even helped us design the new logo for the team.
The Squad: All For Tim, And Tim For All
As Tim FC will be starting very low down the English totem pole (specifically, in the Vanarama League North, five levels below the Premiership), replacing Tamworth for minimum disruption, we don’t exactly have a large budget for players. International soccer is no stranger to teams with strict acquisition requirements; Athletic Bilbao have built a strong roster in Spain despite being composed only of Basque players. We, of course, have an even greater challenge ahead of us; to develop a roster capable of winning games and advancing up the table despite being comprised solely of men named Tim.
As Tim and I look at the present-day roster, there’s one immediate problem. Nobody is named Tim.
Simply put, all these men have to go — and we’ll have to hope that there are enough (very cheap) players named Tim to fill the roster.
The Season Begins: Tim To Kick Off!
We’ve got a roster (though, worryingly, I’m somehow $100,000 over the salary budget), we’ve got a schedule, and Tim FC is ready to take English football by storm. Until next Tim!
