Eight-ish Predictions for the New Season of ‘Zoo’
Editor’s Note: This post originally appeared June 27, 2016 on a now-defunct website (no, not Grantland). It has been republished here for archival.
Are you ready for bats?
Are you ready for lions?
Are you ready for the return of the single greatest television show in recorded history?
On Tuesday, June 28th, The CBS Program Zoo is back for a second season.
Sidebar for those not in the know: I highly recommend you binge the entire first season (it’s on Netflix) before watching this week’s premiere. Not because you’ll need it to understand what happens — nor could you! — but because it is the finest piece of art ever made. Need more convincing? Check out my breakdown here.
It is fitting that the new season begins immediately after the montage of unnecessarily drawn-out torture porn known as Game of Thrones reaches its merciful nine-month break, because The CBS Program Zoo is a welcome and wonderful respite from the hackneyed garbage fed to us as Prestige Television. Even during the best episodes of GoT (such as Sunday night’s solid finale), I find myself frustrated by moments of weak or confusing storytelling; with TCBSPZ, I never have that problem. Sort of the way you can get upset about lousy goaltending while watching a hockey game but not a baseball game. “Storytelling,” or whatever that would be in the world of The CBS Program Zoo, doesn’t matter when ANIMALS HAVE REBELLED AGAINST HUMANS AND THE FATE OF THE WORLD IS AT STAKE.
With a whole new slate of episodes just around the corner, let’s hop around the Zooniverse and take a moment to recall where we left off, address the lingering questions, and posit what the future holds. (Here be spoilers, as if any amount of foreknowledge could possibly spoil the intense spiritual joy of actually watching The CBS Program Zoo.)
Chloe and Jackson, Who Should Probably Bang
Previously on 24: This obvious couple finally kissed in a tractor trailer full of wild animals (that is the kind of magnificent sentence that can only appear in a CBS Program Zoo recap), but real life keeps interfering with their romance, and by “real life” I mean “the exceedingly unreal life depicted on this show.” In the finale, things seemed to have cooled off romantically, possibly due to Jackson becoming a paranoid extra from S.E. Hinton’s The Outsiders.
The Big Question: Will they finally fulfill the promise delivered in this, the world’s greatest GIF?
Prediction: Much like my mother’s road trip playlists, this is a No Rush Zone. One day we will get our moment of (Jackson) “You saved me from rampaging lions” / (Chloe) “Now we’re even” / BONEZONE, but for now, expect things to remain slow but scintillating, like the foreplay of two patient adults surrounded by deadly animals — with plenty of fodder for shipping vids and Tumblr feeds along the way. CHLACKSON IS YOUR OTP, SON. Getting together by Season 2 and slipping right into boring It’s Very New stories is for B-pairings. Speaking of which…
Mitch and Jamie, the Couple No One Is Shipping
Previously on 24: After the pre-finale plane crash, Jamie was rescued separately from the rest of the group and has spent between 6 and 1000 weeks recovering on the animal-proof estate of a kindly non-anglophone fisherman. Meanwhile, Mitch, a self-destructive husk made of sarcastic comments, became somehow even worse than that in the wake of her presumed death. When she finally gets her tiny bad-journalist hands on a satellite phone that can reach liquor-soaked Mitch all the way at rock bottom, they at last express their undying, chemistry-barren love.
The Big Question: Does anyone believe in these two as an item?
Prediction: Presumably, their tearful reunion will come early this season (though read on for discussion of some possible, ah, roadblocks), and they will immediately start being The Couple Everyone Hates. But that seems like a gimme, so allow me to offer a more specific forecast: Notoriously difficult Mitch will behave, as usual, like a complete child when The Gang has to work with a musclebound snake expert from Jamie’s romantic past.
The Gang
Previously on 24: After a few months of Zoopocalyptic Dystopia, Chloe, Jackson, Abraham, and Mitch have reunited to go find Jamie and The Last Healthy Leopard in the World (also conveniently rescued by the kindly non-anglophone fisherman). But on their way to the boat, their SUV is blocked by a hilarious phalanx of CGI animals. As credits are about to roll on the season, they charge.
The Big Question: How does The Gang get out of this one?
Prediction: Something deus-ex-machiny happens to disperse the animals, but introduces a complicating factor that requires two of them to stay behind, forcing The Gang to split up. Mitch wants to go to Jamie, but they need him here!
Bonus Prediction: This season, The Gang finds its sixth member in ex-military biotechnician and Olympic gymnast Maria Delacruz.
The Cure
Previously on 24: “We inject mosquitoes with the cure and release them into the animal population. I’ve looked at this from every angle and there’s no possible downside.” Let me say it again: “We inject mosquitoes with the cure and release them into the animal population. I’ve looked at this from every angle and there’s no possible downside.”
The Big Question: Will the cure (which, remember, depends on The Last Healthy Leopard in the World) actually work? Will it heal the symptomatic #DefiantPupil? If so… uh, what’s going to drive the plot?
Prediction: The cure has an adverse effect… on humans. I GUESS THERE WAS A POSSIBLE DOWNSIDE.
The Animals
Previously on 24: Working strictly from memory, The CBS Program Zoo has featured the following animals in key plot points (or, in TCBSPZ speak, “key” “plot” points): cats, dogs, lions, wolves, bears, bats, birds, horses, rats oh my god the rats, and obviously leopards.
The Big Question: What animals will feature heavily this season?
Prediction: So far things have been mostly mammal-focused, but with The Gang ostensibly heading to Jamie by boat, I think we may get some interesting marine behavior. But my huge bet, as hinted earlier, is on snakes. Inherently creepy, readily available for cheesy TV work, and able to find their way into all kinds of unwelcome places… snakes are a CBS Program Zoo episode waiting to happen. Perhaps they find their way into the city water system? Please. Please let it be toilet snakes.
The Big Bad
Previously on 24: Raydon Global (spelled “Reiden” for some reason) had finally been exposed as the irresponsible, anti-environmentalist creator of the #MotherCell and cause of the worldwide animal epidemic. I think. It’s not clear if they’re still a threat.
The Big Question: Will Raydon Global continue to plague our heroes — perhaps under new management? Or will they be swept aside by something even more sinister?
Prediction: A rogue state government intends to develop the animal behavior as military technology. This country will have a name in the form “The Republic of [Cardinal Direction] [Fake Country Name That Sounds Vaguely Racially Biased].”
The Randos
Previously on 24: Minor characters appeared and disappeared like stretches of scenery on the road trip of life. Some were merely strangers destined for one brief, pointless conversation with a main character; others seemed crucial but were killed off and instantly forgotten; still others were apparent footnotes who returned to play integral roles.
The Big Question: Will any of last season’s minor characters return, perhaps with unexpected new importance? Wait, which ones are actually still alive? Can you remember? Because I can’t.
Prediction: Perennial TV “Oh, that actress!” Jayne Atkinson returns as Washington scientist Amelia Sage, who continues to help The Gang… but is secretly developing weaponized animals for the US government in an arms race with the aforementioned rogue state!
Miscellaneous Predictions Lightning Round!
- Every Abraham plotline will be exactly the same as an Abraham plotline from last season.
- Mitch’s epileptic daughter will literally never be mentioned again.
- A hotel mixup puts business travelers Chloe and Jackson in a single room with one bed!
- This season will feature a politician who is a transparent and hokey proxy for Donald Trump.
- Holy shit, I just remembered that Jamie murdered an FBI agent. What is this show.
- When we do get the inevitable snake episode, I’m putting the over-under on Indiana Jones references at 1.5.
I’ll be attempting to do weekly recap review response posts, so keep an eye on this space. Happy viewing! May the #DefiantPupil rise to meet you, and may the #MotherCell be ever at your back. Let The CBS Program Zoo begin!
