An Official Tiering of Bangability of United States Presidents, Based on Their Official Portrait and My Limited Knowledge of Their Personalities.

Forty-four men (ugh!) have served as President of the United States of America. Some of them are bangable. Some of them are not. This is the definitive list.

A note on sourcing images: this list was initially compiled based on portraits available at whitehouse.gov, a page that, unsurprisingly, no longer exists. I have cobbled this from a variety of sources (read: Google, Wikipedia). Although the portraits may have changed, my opinions never will.

Tier One: Would Do and Would Tell Everybody About It

These are the type of dudes you bring home to meet your parents, but only after you post a thinly-veiled sex hair selfie on Instagram.

• Thomas Jefferson

Bedroom eyes.

• William Henry Harrison

A good and distinguished gentleman.

• Franklin Pierce

This is the real dime piece.

• Ulysses S. Grant

The man knows what to do with his hands.

• Grover Cleveland (2nd term)

He can have two non-consecutive terms in my bedroom, for sure.

• Theodore Roosevelt

Bet you didn’t think you were gonna get eye-fucked by a president when you started reading this list, did you?

• Franklin Delano Roosevelt

He’ll go as long as you let him go (and I’ll let him go all night).

• Harry S. Truman

The S. is for “sexual prime.”

• Barack Hussein Obama

The Once and Future King of Bang.

Tier Two: Would Do and Would Take That Secret to My Grave.

You’re gonna wanna get a dick pic from these guys, and you’re gonna wanna show your friends, and you’re gonna refuse to tell them who it came from.

• James Monroe

Admit it. You’ve done worse.

• John Quincy Adams

I like a man who looks like he might hit me with a book.

• John Tyler

FYI, this is his “O” face.

• Andrew Johnson

I’m ready to be impeached, Mr. Johnson.

• Rutherford B. Hayes

I don’t even have words to describe the level of arousal I’m feeling right now.

• Chester A. Arthur

Babyface!

• Grover Cleveland (1st term)

Grower, not a shower.

• Calvin Coolidge

I’m gonna need more than one cold cup of Coke to ice down this guy’s boner.

• Lyndon B. Johnson

I’m not even going to enjoy doing him, but don’t get me wrong: I’m doing him.

• James Carter

When he cries after sex, I’m sending a group text.

• William J. Clinton

This sin was forgiven when I voted for Hillary.

Tier Three: Would Do For the Story

If you think you’re too good to fuck George Washington just so you can say you fucked George Washington, then you’re too good for me and you’re not good enough for America.

• George Washington

I’ll take a quarter pounder with cheese, please.

• Andrew Jackson

He’s gonna call me Rachel when he comes.

• Abraham Lincoln

You’re too tall and you probably have Marfan’s and my life is not complete without your notch on my bedpost.

• William Howard Taft

I’ve always wanted to make love in the bath.

• Woodrow Wilson

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6_6pcAw-sw

• John F. Kennedy (with a condom)

Wrap before you tap.

• Richard M. Nixon

Never again will I lose a game of two truths and a lie.

• George W. Bush

I’ll let him paint me like one of his French girls first.

Tier Four: Would Do for a Cabinet Position

I can be the Chief of Somebody’s Staff, amiright? A girl’s gotta eat!

• John Adams

Please tell me it’s a wig.

• James Madison

You got that ‘Hamilton’ boost but it’s still not enough.

• James K. Polk

bla bla bla just “Polk” me and get it over with.

• Millard Fillmore

He’s in my contacts as “MillF.”

• James Buchanan

He looks like he brushes his teeth immediately before he kisses you, every time.

• Dwight D. Eisenhower

The chair is the most bangable part of this image.

• Ronald Reagan

Sentences I won’t be able to truthfully say when we’re done: “I’ve never faked an orgasm before.”

• George H. W. Bush

This is a really good photo of a really bad man and TBH the high quality image is the only reason he‘s here.’

Tier Five: HARD PASS

Even I draw the line somewhere, and that line is right here, and it usually involves a bad set of eyebrows.

• Martin Van Buren

19th Century George Constanza.

• Zachary Taylor

He looks like an actual corpse.

• James Garfield

I’d say he died too soon but it would be a G.D. lie.

• Benjamin Harrison

Didn’t know Dopey the Dwarf was eligible to be President, did you?

• William McKinley

What do you think he sounds like when he climaxes? It’s gotta be bad, right? Like really, really bad.

• Warren G. Harding

Please see caption for “William McKinley.”

• Herbert Hoover

Greasy motherfucker.

• John F. Kennedy (without a condom)

I’m already scared enough of syphilis, thanks.

• Gerald R. Ford

Tic Tac teeth and he didn’t even get elected. Sad.

Tier Six: I Will Sacrifice Myself for the Greater Good and Will Fuck Him Quite Literally to Death.

May our deaths be merciful and sweet and, most importantly, before orgasm.

There you have it, folks! The definitive tiering of bangable Presidents! Happy Birthday America!!! (And thanks BML for the editing help!)

Erica is an award-winning midwife and the inventor of Defrienduary. She has recently been described by friends as “a brilliant woman in her sexual prime” and “the type of person who brings Snickers salad to a party and thinks it’s okay.” You can reach her at themidwifecrises@gmail.com. Tell me what president YOU think is most bangable!