A Tiering of the Marvel Cinematic Universe That Will Make You Mad
Like Thanos, I Am the Only One Willing to Face Hard Truths
You’re going to get angry when you read this. So Dr. Banner, you should maybe close this tab now; as for the rest of you, perhaps your anger will be mitigated by the knowledge that, when it comes to the MCU, I am a bandwagon newb.
In late 2017, I had seen exactly 50% of the 16 Marvel movies released to that point, and mostly because I tagged along with friends. I was neither very tapped in to nerd culture nor much of a moviegoer at the time. The meta-narrative of the Marvel universe was barely on my radar.
And then came MoviePass.
Like the corpse flower Amorphophallus titanum, MoviePass bloomed for one brief moment and then wilted again, but while it lived it was the greatest inflorescence the world may ever see. And thanks to MoviePass, I took a flyer on what looked like a fun comic book movie, Thor: Ragnarok, the first Marvel film I saw by myself and of my own accord.
By the time Infinity War premiered six months later, I had become a rabid moviegoer, helped plunge MoviePass’s stock into the single-digit cents, and caught up on the entire MCU in one gloriously sleepless week. (I have AMC A-List now, by the way. It’s great.)
So, dear reader, plunge into these tiers knowing my exposure was sudden, rapid, and recent. Like Captain Marvel, I showed up late to the party and am ready to revel in any arbitrary backlash I create. For many of you, the journey to Endgame has taken 11 long and arduous years through an œuvre worthy of deep and careful consideration, but for me, teiring these flicks was, shall we say…
…a snap.
Tier I: The Time Stone
When they’re over, just turn back the clock and watch again.
Guardians of the Galaxy
No matter what the future holds, we will always have this perfectly-soundtracked record of the inflection point on Chris Pratt’s parabolic trajectory from schlubby goofball to shredded superstar to weirdly Christian divorcé.
Avengers: Age of Ultron
Here Marvel gives me everything I never knew I wanted: a family for Hawkeye, an instant-classic love declaration (“I adore you, but I need the other guy”), a moment of true selfless sacrifice, a scene in which two robots discuss the future of the human race in a quiet wood. Bonus points for bringing in James Spader, one of the few living actors who can chew scenery harder than Robert Downey Junior.
Captain America: Civil War
Despite the name, this is really just another Avengers installment, and one that kicks major ass. It includes one of the best fight scenes of the franchise, and though it couldn’t make me forget that Tobey Maguire once ruined the character of Spider-Man, it did begin the healing process.
Doctor Strange
I know I’m wading into a den of hashtag-problematic vipers filled with lingering Orientalism, Tibetan erasure, and the ten-billionth story about a difficult white man... but purely as entertainment, this movie owns. It features mind-boggling visuals, a clever and surprising final showdown, and the defeat of ego (no, not Ego; that’s a different movie) and self-loathing through humility. There’s a moment in every origin story where you see the hero revealed in their full glory, and in Doctor Strange, it’s executed to perfection.
Thor: Ragnarok
I don’t know how our culture got to the place where we were pondering how deadly serious a comic book movie could be, but thank god Taika Waititi took us back to where we were asking how much silly fun we could cram into a story about caped cartoon aliens.
Black Panther
What an endless stream of superlatives. This is the best Marvel movie, the best superhero movie, and among the best action movies ever made. It makes The Dark Knight look like Batman and Robin. I felt more deeply for the villain of this film than for most films’ protagonists.
If I were just trying to impress my black friends with how woke I think I am, I’d have seen it in theaters, what, twice? I went back four times. This movie is ICONIC.
Tier II: The Mind Stone
Nothing for it but to submit to the manipulative goodness of these fun-as-hell flicks and do as Kevin Feige commands.
Captain America: The Winter Soldier
I feel like every serious spy movie is desperately trying to tell the story of how the world’s greatest agent is also the loneliest person on Earth, but this is the only movie that actually succeeds.
Ant-Man
Truly there is no sadder kind of person to be than a loser who refuses to enjoy this outstanding prop-comedy romp because they built up some other director in their mind. It’s a Marvel movie, kids; no one cares about your nerd auteur BS. Instead of Edgar Wright, whoever that is, we got a giant Thomas the Tank Engine, a trippy visit to the quantum realm, and a pint-sized fight scene set to the Cure’s “Plainsong.” Yeah. I’m happy with what I got.
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
This movie was weirdly beautiful, weirdly affecting, and had Baby Groot. Baby Groot! What’s not to love?
Spider-Man: Homecoming
It is unbelievable to me that after FIVE lousy Spider-Man movies, I was willing to take a chance on the third reboot this century. It’s even more unbelievable that they finally got it right. Plus, they eat larb! I love larb!
Captain Marvel
If you think Guardians is the funniest Marvel movie, I have news for you. If you think Guardians has the best soundtrack, I have the same news. Frankly, this is the closest thing I’m ever going to get to an Animorphs movie, and Jude Law with a smoky eye basically screaming “DEBATE ME!” was a delightful bonus.
Tier III: The Space Stone
While ultimately less cool than some of its cohort, the Space Stone is the reliable stalwart without whom we’d never get to the hipper, weirder stones. (Obligatory reminder that the Tesseract is just the Escafil Device. One McGuffin might as well be another.)
Iron Man
This movie came out when George W. Bush was president. I had completely forgotten that happened.
Captain America: The First Avenger
No other entry in the Marvel universe shares as many plot points in common with Mulan, and I mean that as unequivocal praise. Also, remember when he rips the door off a taxicab to use as a shield and it has a star on it? Hell yeah, man. Movies are cool.
The Avengers
The task of making this team-up work in practice was a monumental one, and the fact that Joss Whedon succeeded makes me wish he’d tried a little harder wrapping up Cordelia’s arc on Angel. If you ever get confused about the two 2012 superhero movies that climaxed with a troubled hero nearly sacrificing himself to carry a nuclear weapon away from New York City, just remember Avengers is the one that didn’t suck.
Avengers: Infinity War
This movie gave me everything I wanted, plus around two and a half hours of additional cool stuff that wasn’t strictly for folks who just wanted to know if Scarlet Witch and Vision totally boned.
Tier IV: The Power Stone
Like, yeah, the Power Stone is good… but in a kind of generic way, right? Aren’t all the Infinity Stones powerful?
Thor
With one incredible exception (keep reading!), this is the Marvel installment that feels most aesthetically dusty and out-of-step when viewed as part of the whole. Still, it’s fun, earnest, and by including Stellan Skarsgård, our best chance of connecting these films to the Mamma Mia Cinematic Universe.
Ant-Man and the Wasp
This is an utterly enjoyable flick, but nowhere during the movie proper do the stakes approach the heights they reach in what is surely the most harrowing credits scene in the MCU.
Tier V: The Reality Stone
The Reality Stone isn’t a trash stone per se, but it just doesn’t seem to function like the others, or have much to recommend it beyond a cool bag of tricks.
Iron Man 3
If you ask me whether I’d like a flawed movie to be too full of bizarre diversions or too boring, I’m going to choose the former every time. Endgame is over three hours long and I will be shocked if it has as many distinct plot points as one act of this fascinating mess.
Thor: The Dark World
I don’t think this one is as bad as everyone says! I love a sibling story! They had me at “the dark elf Malekith”! Fight me!
Tier VI: The Soul Stone
We all know the Soul Stone is to the Infinity Gauntlet as “Heart” is to Captain Planet.
The Incredible Hulk
I saw this in theaters when it came out and legitimately thought it would be the end of the franchise. Has any actor in the cast appeared in a worse film? Replacing Ed Norton with Mark Ruffalo was a mercy and a blessing to us and to everyone involved.
After the movie, I complained that the worst and saddest part was when the Hulk clapped his hands really hard to blow out a fire and my comic-fan buddy replied “Dude, that was the Sonic Clap!” and I have never had less of a response to anything ever said to me.
Iron Man 2
All you need to know about this clunker is that wealthy megalomaniac Elon Musk has a positively-couched cameo in a movie whose main villain is a thinly fictionalized version of wealthy megalomaniac Elon Musk.
Enjoy Endgame, everyone.
Puzzlements? Quibbles? Nuclear takes? Fight me in the comments.
